round and round i go again.... gt myself trap in the same situation again.... how did i trap into this i dunno..... but somehow i feel tat some things around me had changed... but i dunno what it was.... maybe is just me thinking too much... especially so many stuff happened during the last 2 mths... make me unable to think well.... but no matter what it is i'm just gonna remind myself the lesson which i learnt mths ago... nv ever gonna step into it unless i'm really ready for it.... remain at the current situation will be the best

it had been wks since i last update my blog... reasons due to busy with new job and also too tired from the outing with iris and the gang. 2 wks ago just went to the chalet at hangout @ emily with iris and gang... that place is more like a hotel then chalet to us cos no bbq pit and is at city area. i can say tat was a fun chalet.... at nite playing texas poker and having a small drinkin session.... but we almost forgot abt xinru who is a very gd drinker in our grp..... the vodka she pour was half of our cup... even with mixture we still taste the vodka taste... and i can say tat was the first time tat i felt the giddy aft 2 cup whereas for thomas he semi-ko aft 3 cups and.... nt forgetting abt him start having wierd behaviour, sudden laughter and farting.....

on the second nite.... i can say i really done for it.... 3 cups of pure martel, chivas with a small portion of chrysthanthemum tea which neutralise it abit and they alrdy made me puke out the chicken rice dinner and even gastic juice..... tat nite 3 rounds of puking was a hell to me... not becos of the puking... but the journey to the washroom really made me feel in hell.... with me unable to walk straight.... head spinning and the room toilet was in used.... that left with the ground lvl toilet for me to use.... 3 times running up and down.... and i even still puked at the bin just beside the life.... but i think thomas was nowhere better....

he was then serious drunk where he start the caterpillar, teletubbies, coffin and the translucent girl thing in the room.... but during the 2 hrs of settling him.... qiang, iris, simon and bon really had a tough time on doing so as thomas just unable to settle down.... and the stuff he did during the chalet really made us unforgettable...

Last fri went to meet them at coffee nation... and to my surprise he came too.... but at least now i know that i really stepped out of this entirely.... nv see him for a mth... feelings are back to friends again.... nt as bad as i thought.... well now is alrdy the end of nov... going to be dec and 2010 is here! time really flies... just hope tat nxt yr will be a gd yr for me

sometimes i really wonder am i really too tom boy.... am i ugly.... am i really tat simple minded... and some other questions just stuck in my brain for so long and till now i really dunno where to go find the answer for it.... just now aft having the dinner at Ma mansion, I, iris, simon n thomas went to coffee nation... and out from nowhere a question of who is my Mr 'U' is appear again.... i dun remember since when they started to ask me this question.... but i only remember this happened when i just type this out in evony while i was listening to the song 'nobody'.

No matter who they guessed is the Mr 'U' is... i only can say is tat the 'U' is just still somewhere out there.... currently i'm just nt ready for any relationship yet.... at least for these two question i know the answer for it.... cos i'm still afraid of it.... as just now at coffee nation i can say my brain is really in a mess.... Why.... becos he came.... When i heard tat he was here i was surprised... Why... i dunno... but deep in my heart i know that i really place tat down.... just gt no idea how come i would have tat kind of thinking.... i just realised tat i dun mind talking to him via sms/msn but if want me talk to him face to face.... i'm alittle scare..... wierd right....

really dunno how to solve this.... months alrdy and yet i still have these kind of wierd action.... where is my determination of going back to the me before this happened.... am i really just gonna continue with this or i'm just gonna try harder to maintain the determination get these wierd action out.....

Today is the last day of my working at my current company.... i really wanna say thanks to all the colleagues who i worked with... they really teached me lots of stuff and I enjoyed working with them.....1.5yrs of happy and frustrated times in this company.... oh well this is just a part of my working experience anyway.... there might be some 舍不得 feeling... but for my life and future i had to move on....

tmr shall be the starting of my rotting days! time to slack n relax n recharge my energy before i start to work again.... at least hope that can really sort out my thoughts ba... but first thing is to really kick the habit of thinking about him.... almost 2 mths but i still can't help myself to think of him from time to time... i'm always curious how he is doing with he and his gf.... even when i msn him i always feel like asking abt how he and gf doing..... words are in my mouth or rather in my hand... but i just can't ask it out to him.... thoughts and questions abt him just keep on stacking up.... up till a height where i almost unable to reach for it....

i'm now left with 7 days plus to get rid of these thoughts and questions.... how am i gonna do it... i do not have an idea.... but i just hope that before i'm done with these.... another one please dun come first.... friends friends friends.... this is what i shld always remind myself before same mistake occurs again....

getting sleepy.... time for me to sign off here.... and shall resume my daily update on the blog....

"Do you need a reason to like a person...." i think this question will appear in everyone's heart.... wonder y will they like a person.... and wat is the reason for you to put in ur heart in the relationship... just now at TCC when Bon ask me why do i like him.... and i just ans Bon that i just like him... no reason no anything....

No matter whether he know or not... it doesn't matter anyway.... i cannot control who he wanna be together with.... as long as he know what he is doing and he is happy about it... i'm will be fine with it.... days ago when i sms him.... seems to be ok .... at least it was like in the past before all these happened.... perhaps we are just suitable to be friends only..... right now just wanna focus on finding the new job right before 14 oct....

Last wk... i tendered my resignation letter... aft working at this current company for 1.5 yrs.... till the end i still gonna leave this company... tons of reasons behind the reason of me resign.... but mostly is becos of the pay wise.... base on my current pay in the company... i can just find a part time job and work with it in relax.... no need to endure with all these piles of nv ending work and taking advantage of.... right now i still gt my poly loans need to pay.... with my this pathetic pay... it was kinda hard for me to survive.... dunno how on earth did i survive with it for 7mths.... during that period of time i was still playing ge... spending on at least 2 gvc per mth.... and spending game time at adrian's shop... for now with me going out to relax... drink... this pay is rather tough for me....

at least with these activities i will feel somehow better than i spent my money on the game which is way too expensive to play with.... at least now my current life is so much more enjoyable.... hanging out with friends aft work.... chit chat... searching for place to chill.... these seems to be more fun....

at most 3am... gotta go sleep early.... as tmr still need to go to marina barriage....

today is the last day of my long wkend.... hmm in fact quite enjoyed it.... tat fri went out with dwayne.... chat quite alot of stuff and bought myself a new pair of slipper..... but thx to tat slipper... i slipped and sprain my ankle on the nxt day when i was going to meet bon n the grp for dinner right after the gca....

At the GCA, i witness the auction of the elns made by the iah. To my surprise that the price for +7 eln musk and scout are the same while the +7 clean eln fyter almost reach 1.5k for it.... but no matter wat it is to we gamers this is still a form of RMT which they ban gamers from doing it.... even though they say is different as they are doing this for the charity but till the end it is still RMT... no difference anyway.....

After the long waiting for bon.... we decided to go to the streets cafe there to have our dinner.... and we were quite obsess with tat century egg... and the fried chicken with the dried chilli.... and it turned out that... our dinner at there become $192 bucks in total.... aft tat we decided to change our place for drinking from the one Rochester to Loof~

that day on my birthday actually wanna go there but too bad the reservation for it are full.... so from tat day onward i was so eager to go there to have a try.... but it turns out.... the only nice abt tat place is the view.... drinking at a place and able to see the night scenery of the city... it is nt bad.... but the price for the drinks is killing us.... a bottle of chivas with to mixer is 252 bucks with gst.... n tat's 50 bucks per person.... and that place dun allow poker cards.... have drinks but no poker cards... is bored.... ended up no choice but to finish it fast and go have beancurd for supper....

in the end.... thomas drank the most.... and gt a little drunk..... on the way to rochor.... we decided to buy some water and sweet to make us awake (pat and me were also slightly drunk) for no reason we make a fool of ourselves at there.... and through out the journey to there me, thomas and pat have been laughing like hell for nothing.... which made qiang and bon left us at the back slowly walk and laughing....

just when we reached the beancurd place me pat and thomas were quite worn out aft laughing n walking to the place.... while we were eating and chatting... thomas did smth which is quite funny.... and some of the ppl in anything had saw tat from the facebook which i upload....

on yest.... bon initially wanna go to ECP for cycling but due to me having injured leg.... i was not able to go... so plan changed to meet at vivo for dinner n chatting.... aft waiting for 1hr.... all finally reach... and decided to go meet iris and ziz at keppel, marina there to decide where to have our dinner.... when i reached keppel, marina all i can say abt tat place is tat, tat place is nice... and those yacht... if i had the money i will wish to buy one too and i can just sail it to the sea during the wkend.... but that will be a very very far dream for me anyway....

aft some discussion.... we decided to go have our dinner at jumbo and after tat.... drinking session again! To our surprise.... our dinner turns out to be another $192 again.... but this $192 is worth as the prawns are nt bad except for tat yam paste which the taste is like the soup of the day.... last nite drinking we went to the pub which thomas suggested.... and tat place's drink was so much cheaper than loof.... the chivas turns out to be only 28 per pax with free flow of mixer, tiger beer tower is only 55 bucks, free flow of tibits and nt forgetting gt live broadcast of football matches and still can sing K..... this time round we can play the poker cards and can drink more happily... Last nite's drinking session was also the first drinking session which i really semi-KO and puke =X

during the dice game... i lost 2-4 times and 2 cups with only chivas n tiger beer which really make me instant Ko and went to toilet to puke twice.... all the dinner which i ate hours ago were also puke out.... felt much better... but made a mess of myself.... =(
but at least i was still awake... still able to walk straight.... just tat brain is dead.... unable to think well.... aft the drinking session we went for supper and i felt so much better aft having it.... and more sober too....

2 nites of drinking.... i more or less will be worry how am i gonna make a safety reach for myself at home without being caught by my mum.... but turned out that both nite my mum was alrdy too tired and slept soundly in her room....

last nite when i was drunk.... i initially wanna cry out but i was unable.... my brain was in a mess and the only thought i gt is... i just wanna release all the stress n pain i gt.... i wanna sing.... i wanna shout.... during the period of time when my brain was dead... i only think of 2 song.... one is PS 我爱你 and the other one is 北极圈.

For PS 我爱你, the only lyrics i remember is:

有些人值得等候，有些悲伤值得忍受.
我爱你不是冲动，生命尽头放着一场空

to speak the truth... this lyrics really made me thought of it but i dunno who is really worth for me to wait and which pain is really worth for me to bear with it.... the second sentence somehow reminds me.... abt the mths ago incident.... but i nv regret of the stuff i done....

the lyrics which i will always remember for 北极圈is:

把爱留在街角 就当你永远不会看到
记忆化作 极光出现那一秒
我开始微笑 以后会努力过得 很好

this is what i wanna do.... for the mths ago incident.... now i just wanna try to live fully to everyday it is....

tmr shall be the day when i start to seek for more new opportunities... wish me luck for it ba....

alrdy mid sep... time really fly fast..... but at least during this 1 mth... i had at least move on from some stuff.... but some stuff it is just hard for me to change it.... dunno y whenever i see a person who smoked.... i will think of him instantly.... i'm nt sure whether is that his images in my heart or wat..... but some stuff can just link it to him for no reason.... there is only one thing for sure that between me and him we can only be friends....

"holding onto smth which does not belongs to me will not make me happy anyway..... let it go and watches it found their happiness.... this will then be the thing which will make me happy...."

this is the sentence which i always told myself.... and this is also a reminder to myself.... aft tmr hope all the stuff will turns better.... at least i can say tat will be the beginning of a change to my life....

finally wake up from all this..... maybe is only last nite i really can let this go... completely....
aft marlene's bday party... went to meet them at coffee nation for coffee.... but this time round sitting beside really make me feel wierd right after last wk's incident....

but maybe this way it really made me face this properly.... letting go of this really make me feel relieve.... but on the other hand i kinda worry that this tension will still be there or maybe not.... maybe i really need to find some time to talk this out to him but.... i really dunno how to say it out.... arrr dunno la... see how it goes... maybe days later i will then know how to make it clear to him?

let's just hope that i will be able to find the one soon..... and hope this will really give me a reminder of the lesson i had...n be friends like in the past..."

sometimes i really hate myself.... every time when i had the determination to do something but in the end i failed to do so.... Just like days ago when i was so confident that i already done so... but last night i realised that i'm not...

Last night after dinner we were still thinking where to go to chill as it was still quite early for us... so just when we were thinking of places to go to.... He popped out.... Same thing happened again and again.... all my hard work somehow seems to fail.... the only thing i can say to myself was.... let's take this as a test to me... But when i reached home last night the final result of it was.... I failed....

When we were at coffee nation... i know something happened in the group when i went to washroom... deep in my heart i wanna know what was it about... but my mind was asking me not to ask.... cause i know even if i asked... it will still not the thing which i wanted it to happen 2 month ago.... i would rather remain as it is....

aft we left coffee nation... we still wanna go to some place to chill more so we went to marina barrage... the view at there was nice.... night time with the building having their lights on.... and it would be better if there was some wind.... but last night there was no wind and it was rather humid for us... even so... marina barrage is now the another place for us to chill....

if only human brain is like a computer.... able to choose to delete files which you want.... and i think i will be happier....


(when i was writing this blog.... i felt the earthquake.... but at first i still thought i was having a headache... but moments later... started to see friends who stay near me saying they felt the earthquake..... looks like the mother nature is really very angry from the typhoon just days ago... then now earthquake.... does this means that the world is going to its end soon?

think this question will be a tough one which no one will be able to have an exact answer for it....)

long time nv feel so gd.... questions which troubled me wks ago had alrdy slowly solved.... maybe is becos tat i didn't see him for 3 wks... or maybe i really put it down already.... but all these i will never really know till i see him again.... i really hope i'm not just deceving myself and my friends when i told them tat i really place it down already....

just pray tat my small birthday wish will really comes true and bring me out from this completely.... Last fri aft the birthday dinner with huixin n gang at tanglin mall, we went to ion for awhile.... and aft tat we went back home from there.... on the way to the bus stop i actually saw shaowen when the last time i saw him was around 3 yrs ago.... In the past i was so keen on seeing him again but yrs had passed... and already let go of tat long time ago.... meeting him at this kind of situation is kinda wierd to me as he is my old classmate but i dunno whether he remembered you or not.... and is only aft tat i realise how god can actually play trick on you...

When you are so keen to get this thing... the god will never let you have it.... however at the time when you decided to give up on it... the god will let you have the chance to have it... Cherish is what we need to learn.... Learn to cherish the thing that we had in life.... dun wait till when we lost it then we start to regret why we did not cherish it when we had a chance.... by the time we had lost it, it will be already too late for us to go back.... Sometime when we cherish a thing.... we will lost another one in return... either way no one can be in a situation where they can always get wat they wnt.... in human.... no one is perfect... or i should say there is nth in life tat is perfect....

Maybe i'm just nt tat capable as i thought after all.... i'm just nt tat determine after all.... all my effort went down to drain in just a 7hrs outing.... to speak the truth last nite i din expect tat he will turn out.... but when i heard tat he would be attending the dinner i was kinda surprise... and in my heart i'm somehow scare.... when i met him i really felt awkward... i really dunno how shld i to talk to him and on tat moment i was kinda confuse.... i nt sure was it becos i was just thinking too much or wat but i somehow felt tat a wall was there.... between the both of us. Ended up the whole night i dun really dare to look at him....

gosh.... i really had no idea how did i turns out to be this way.... this is really the first time tat i feel like tat... totally different from the past.... during this point of time i really dunno who shld i talk to.... i really dunno y do i still feeling like this after i knew how he feel towards me....

i really dunno how shld i move on from this.... but there's one thing for sure tat is my life is in a serious mess....

Days ago i received a sms from him and it kinda shocked me. I nt sure wat did tat person said to him or did tat person asked him to visit my blog... but it doesn't matter anyway. Letting go of something is all along i trying to do it... whether is it letting go of memories? letting go of heart? letting go of emotion? i just hope that i will be able to do all these... But now i should eventually think how should i face him next time when i see him.... well it will be awkward but i just hope that things between us can be as usual... I'm just gonna cross my fingers and pray hard =x

no matter how things turn to be.... i will never regret of what i had done.... to other people what i was doing in the past might be stupid but this is what i am.... i'm just a foolish person who will always get close to stuff which will hurts me....

i hope that this will be the last post which will be related to him.

it had been wks since i last update my blog.... during these few weeks i was trying hard to sort out my thoughts and feelings. During the days of knowing he patched up with his ex really made my life hard. Every minute i was thinking about him, and my heart was crying but i need to hold my tears back. Recently i also over heard some rumours between me, qiang and him. From what i heard was that there are people mistook i and qiang were together, which is totally ridiculous and i got no idea how did this started to spread. On the other side i heard that he was quite unhappy when he heard this rumor which i dunno why he will feel it that way. Till now this is still a mystery to me but even if i really gonna find out about this, things won't change anyway.

Last wk caught with a flu which lead to me unable to enjoy the chalet fully... but i still somehow enjoyed it and i was also able to see a cosplay event over there. Nice cosplay were seen over there but some of it were really wierd... but it was a good effort by them as they dare to wear tat out which i think not all will be able to do it.

Oh well just hope tat i can really get over with all these and look forward to the rest of 2009.

(but i still somehow think tat it will be impossible. as long as nothing worst than wat i'm going thru now happen, i shld be glad alrdy.)

I dunno how to describe the feelings in my heart now.... knowing tat currently he is now together with his ex all i can say now i am feeling tat my heart really pains.... a guy who was in front of me but i did not able to grab hold on him...and also becos of i scare ended up i lost him... to speak the truth i now really dunno how shld i face this... only when i'm with friends i will then forget abt him.... when i'm at home all my sadness just pour out.... deep inside my heart i'm crying but i'm unable to shed a tears in front of anyone...

The memories of him just keep on flashing, our first meeting, funny stuffs which happened, choosing birthday present for him, when we facing low times, tat time when he encountered with an accident.... all these just never ending keep on playing in my mind.... how am i gonna get him out from my mind i dunno.... i also dun wanna think..... i'm just tired of these now i still gt more to stuff to face.... 2009 is just ain't my year... now is only july but there are another 5 more months to go.... hope for the rest of the 5 months just let me get over with this peacefully.... i really sick n tired for another wave to go....

an emotional day for me..... i really gt no idea on wat am i scare and sad for.... the nite before really could not sleep well at all... whole mind was about him... when i found out tat he went to watch movie with his ex yest my mood just went all the way down.... and aft reading his ex blog i feel even worst..... this is nt the first time i experienced this.... but this time round i really dunno how am i gonna walk out of this... whole day in office at the moment when i was at the desk i started to think about him.... gt a fews times almost wanna cry out but till the end i still need to control myself.... sometimes i really wonder when will i be able to take down the mask which i will need to always wear it to face other ppl.... when can i really show ppl the real me... i really feel tired from all these shits but where is the finishing point for me....

fantasy will still be fantasy if i dun do anything to it at all.... i know wat eric say is the truth.... but i'm just scare of it.... even though i tried told shaowen in regards my feeling to him but this time round i really dun have the courage to do it.... maybe now even if i say it out it will alrdy be too late for me..... i shld really snap out of this and move on.... standing in a circle like this dun do me good anyway....

when i'm ready i shall say goodbye to all these shyt and move on to a new life....

yippe.... finally watched transformer last nite... quite nice and exciting and this made me feel like watching it again =P.... but last nite was nt able to sleep well.... nt becos of the exciting transformers but is becos of another stuff.... when i was randomly reading blogs.... all of a sudden i feel like reading his ex blog.... and her last few posst kinda made my day went down..... those posts in fact stated how much she missed him, how much she wnt him to be back with her... and when i see their photo my heart really dun feel gd..... Y? i dunno.... i dunno how come i gt this kind of feelings.... just now when i met him i almost wanna ask him did he read her blog.... but i din cos i'm scared of him reading it.... scared aft he read it he will really go back to her.... kinda evil right.... but i just can't help it.... when we went to have dinner i was walking slowly behind him.... i realised tat i dun mind just watch his back like this..... in fact i enjoyed doing it....

i really had no idea wat was happening to me... this is nt wat i experienced in the past before.... never..... but i know deep in my heart i was scared.... scared of wat i dunno......

it is now tues morning..... as usual still dun have the feel to sleep yet.... din see online nor talk to him thru phone for the past few days.... during tat period of time i still thought i will be able to put it down.... but at sat a call from him just made me realise how much i missed him... moments ago i just received a sms from him telling me he just gt back to town which made me gt so happy instantly.... i know is hard to put this down as easy as i say..... but i just gonna try it or worse come to worst before i gt the courage on telling him i will just keep it in my heart...

last nite gt a present from ah qiang who went Taiwan for hol last week... n get back to sg yest morning.... n the present he gt for me was.... a taiwan kortex...... at the moment he took tat out... all were stunned.... but other than this.... he still bought a condom for alvin. So after seeing these wierd 'stuff' all were kinda stun on him buying these kind of presents back for us from Taiwan... but only after some examine on the presents.... we realise that it was just sweets....

last fri i went to hint him abit.... though the outcome of the hint was ok.... but i just can't bring myself to say out that i like him.... Then on sat he eventually told me tat he gt a crush on another girl which kinda make me sad..... Tat nite he also keep on asking me who is tat guy tat i like... and he also offer his help to help me for it but the thing is the guy who i like is him... and how is he gonna help me with it.... even this morning when i went for jogging... i keep on thinking of him.... which i really dunno wat shld i do with it anymore.....

it has been mths since i last update the blog.... alot of unhappy and happy stuff happened during these period of time..... having some misunderstanding with the friends who i knew them for a yr this really makes me feel sad. On the other hand i also get to know another group of friends but is also at the around the same time i start to know him too....

ever since the last incident, i thought tat i will never ever get myself into this kind of stuff as tat was wat i promised, but here it goes again.

All i can say abt me and him is tat we always gt issue to talk to whether is when we meet each other outside or thru phone. the feelings just came when mths ago i gt some misunderstanding with my friends and he just approach me to talk abt it. To speak the truth i really like being out together with him alone.... even though is just a short half an hr, i'm alrdy happy. He was also the first guy who made me went to buy something for him on his birthday. Any stuff tat related to him i will just really wanna know more, during his low time i really hope tat i was the one tat stand beside him and pull him up.

But i really dunno how long this will last, as i gt the feelings to him but to him i'm maybe just a friend like the others. Sometimes i really wanna just say out but with the thoughts of making this relationship go worst i really dun bear to do it. Haix... i just really so hate this to the core.....

this bloody economic crisis really hit us hard.... daily newspapers gt news regarding all this econmic stuff, retrenchment, wages cut etc etc.... from here alrdy can see the serious for it.... last yr when this crisis hit sg, my company somehow gt affected as some projects were being cancelled due to this.....

n yest.... my nightmare reached..... i gt my wages cut.... n cut till 25% much.... i'm now left with nth much to survive.... n dun even know i can survive with these anot..... now my pay is like a sales or even less than a sales.... a junior designer pay become a pay which is lesser than wat i shld get.... i gt no idea whether shld i stick with here or not... whole afternoon totally no mood to do work... only staring at the calculator n figure trying to think how am i gonna survive with tat little pay.... only went out with XL they all for a dinner i can forget all these for the moment.... i enjoyed the dinner with them... all the fun n laughter really make me relax from all the bombs, surprises in the office....

but when i reached home, i still gonna face all these problems.... bearing with all these... i nearly break down.... to others all i can do now i just tighten up my belt n spend less..... i know this but with this kind of wage i really dunno how am i gonna work.... less pay but work is double.... in this kind of money makes the world turn situation there is nth so called fair or not..... gt this kind of economic of cos must cut down the expenditure n make full use of all.... but tat does not mean tat my pay can cut till this kind of stage....

now i'm just too lost to think of any.... think i need time to settle down myself n also think for my future....

hey hey.... is now 2009 le.... is the starting of a brand new yr....... but to me is still the same... the reason for it... nth much had change anyway...... unable to do much stuff even if do wat i got back in return nth but scolding n neglected.....

must i always get control in the stuff i wanna do in my life?

listen to watever stuff they ask me to do,

watever stuff they say is the right thing and the stuff which i wanna say or do is wrong....

sometimes i really wonder is this how my life will goes till the point of my death, it maybe nt right to think these on the second day of cny but sometimes i just can't help to think these..... i try to let go but they will just keep on coming back to haunt me..... they are just forcing me to do the stuff which they dun like at all i know i have to fight for it but i really dunno abt it. To other ppl they think these happened just becos i'm the only daughter or the youngest child in the hse, they are caring for me.... but if u are in my shoe i doubt u will even think it this way.....

or maybe to them i'm just a maid to them anyway.....

just hope that for the rest of the 2009 i will be able survive it..... if nt i think the worst will be here soon.......