if for the nxt 20-30 yrs time... i'm gonna live with a fake mask... and with no respect... i will rather choose to end this... i'm currently living in a world... where no one wanted to understand me... care what i really wnt or even respect me. 23 yrs of life.... seems to be so long for me.... if u ask me is there any happy memories i can recall... i afraid nt... all i remember were i'm being left out... being control... or even having my respect being stepped on the floor by others... it is not as if i din try to get it... with each hope i try to get.... but they just disappeared... whether it is in studies, social life, family, work life... i'm just a failure in all...

even when i'm with a grp of my friends... i still feel the loneliness... it's like i'm just an extra over there... or maybe i am after all.... no matter how much i try... in the end it still the same... no one will bother to care wat i think or even wat i wnt... all i can see in front of the path is all darkness... maybe tat's the sign of my life coming to an end..

how long has it been since i last met him... 3 wks? or a mth plus? I can't really remember tat much... sometimes when i'm outside at street... i will tend to see someone whose looks like him but in the end it's not him. When I pass by places where I and him were at there some time ago, I will just think about those stuffs happened and jokes we said when we were there.

The happy memories between the both of us ended after that gathering but no matter how much memories between I and him there were in my heart but there were still some distance between us... our interest and life are just totally different from each other. Maybe it is hard to find someone who had the same interest and total same frequency as me but to find someone who really can understand me is a mission impossible. No matter how much i try to portrait my self in front of him, in the end it is just not the real me. It's me wearing a mask. Maybe i'm just not confident enough to let him see the real me or rather that i'm too use to face people with a mask. Every disappointment i get when knowing i won't be able to see him, the inferior feelings i had, what do i still expect anyway.

just attended Ashar's wedding and kinda happy for him able to have such a sweet wife who always support him and accompany him when he is rushing for projects and in the low while doing projects. He is the first classmate that i know who got married and attending his wedding... made we as his classmate abit hard to imagine a few yrs down later we will be getting married too... but that will be a long long way road down. Most of my class were current still having studies in university and it won't be fast for them to settle down. those who already started working are consider one step closer to it.... but its lack of the right timing for that one to appear. no matter what kind of plan that each made for their future, there will be some factor that will change it. No one will ever knows what kind of a factor would that be. it maybe a good but it maybe be a bad too.

But ain't this is how life work? No matter how much bad stuff or good stuff happened... we still had to carry on living... it is just how we gonna see this. Whereas for him... will try to get myself wake up from it and believe that stuff will work out in someway.....

我以為我的守护 能留你在我身边

我以為我的付出 你总有一天你会了解

我以為我们的时光 会一直继续下去

也許我太過天真 以為奇蹟會發生

当我知道你们在一起时 我以为我可以当作没事发生

我以为在我看着你们在一起时 我不会哭或感到心痛

我以为我们还可以做朋友 可是我的心却一直在流泪

毕业了 这对我来说是新的生活 新的开始

我在心里默默 祝福着你和她 希望你会一直这样开心

希望她可以代我守护着你 能留在你身边

过了几年 我以为我可以忘记你 但是我错了

你的一张照片 你的消息 让我发现我还在乎你

当你再次出现在我面前 我以为我不会再对你有任何感觉 但是我错了

在我知道你已经和她分手了 我无法忽视你那伤心的表情

因为你的伤心 也变成我的伤心

在我回到以前一样地安慰着你 我发现在你的生命里 还有一个在默默支持着你的她

看着你们一起 我才发现 应该在你身边默默支持着你的人

不是我 而是她

这些年来 我和你的距离 越来越远

我以为我可以弥补这个距离 但是我错了

如果当年我没有从你的生活里退出 说不定那个人就是我

但是事情已发生了 谁也无法改变

我只能做的也就像那年我退出你的生活是一样

在心里默默 祝福着你和她 希望你会一直这样开心

我也希望 在我下次见到你时 我可以真正的放下那个感情

希望到时我也可以找到那个会一直在我身边默默的支持者我的‘他’

round and round i go again.... gt myself trap in the same situation again.... how did i trap into this i dunno..... but somehow i feel tat some things around me had changed... but i dunno what it was.... maybe is just me thinking too much... especially so many stuff happened during the last 2 mths... make me unable to think well.... but no matter what it is i'm just gonna remind myself the lesson which i learnt mths ago... nv ever gonna step into it unless i'm really ready for it.... remain at the current situation will be the best

it had been wks since i last update my blog... reasons due to busy with new job and also too tired from the outing with iris and the gang. 2 wks ago just went to the chalet at hangout @ emily with iris and gang... that place is more like a hotel then chalet to us cos no bbq pit and is at city area. i can say tat was a fun chalet.... at nite playing texas poker and having a small drinkin session.... but we almost forgot abt xinru who is a very gd drinker in our grp..... the vodka she pour was half of our cup... even with mixture we still taste the vodka taste... and i can say tat was the first time tat i felt the giddy aft 2 cup whereas for thomas he semi-ko aft 3 cups and.... nt forgetting abt him start having wierd behaviour, sudden laughter and farting.....

on the second nite.... i can say i really done for it.... 3 cups of pure martel, chivas with a small portion of chrysthanthemum tea which neutralise it abit and they alrdy made me puke out the chicken rice dinner and even gastic juice..... tat nite 3 rounds of puking was a hell to me... not becos of the puking... but the journey to the washroom really made me feel in hell.... with me unable to walk straight.... head spinning and the room toilet was in used.... that left with the ground lvl toilet for me to use.... 3 times running up and down.... and i even still puked at the bin just beside the life.... but i think thomas was nowhere better....

he was then serious drunk where he start the caterpillar, teletubbies, coffin and the translucent girl thing in the room.... but during the 2 hrs of settling him.... qiang, iris, simon and bon really had a tough time on doing so as thomas just unable to settle down.... and the stuff he did during the chalet really made us unforgettable...

Last fri went to meet them at coffee nation... and to my surprise he came too.... but at least now i know that i really stepped out of this entirely.... nv see him for a mth... feelings are back to friends again.... nt as bad as i thought.... well now is alrdy the end of nov... going to be dec and 2010 is here! time really flies... just hope tat nxt yr will be a gd yr for me

sometimes i really wonder am i really too tom boy.... am i ugly.... am i really tat simple minded... and some other questions just stuck in my brain for so long and till now i really dunno where to go find the answer for it.... just now aft having the dinner at Ma mansion, I, iris, simon n thomas went to coffee nation... and out from nowhere a question of who is my Mr 'U' is appear again.... i dun remember since when they started to ask me this question.... but i only remember this happened when i just type this out in evony while i was listening to the song 'nobody'.

No matter who they guessed is the Mr 'U' is... i only can say is tat the 'U' is just still somewhere out there.... currently i'm just nt ready for any relationship yet.... at least for these two question i know the answer for it.... cos i'm still afraid of it.... as just now at coffee nation i can say my brain is really in a mess.... Why.... becos he came.... When i heard tat he was here i was surprised... Why... i dunno... but deep in my heart i know that i really place tat down.... just gt no idea how come i would have tat kind of thinking.... i just realised tat i dun mind talking to him via sms/msn but if want me talk to him face to face.... i'm alittle scare..... wierd right....

really dunno how to solve this.... months alrdy and yet i still have these kind of wierd action.... where is my determination of going back to the me before this happened.... am i really just gonna continue with this or i'm just gonna try harder to maintain the determination get these wierd action out.....

Today is the last day of my working at my current company.... i really wanna say thanks to all the colleagues who i worked with... they really teached me lots of stuff and I enjoyed working with them.....1.5yrs of happy and frustrated times in this company.... oh well this is just a part of my working experience anyway.... there might be some 舍不得 feeling... but for my life and future i had to move on....

tmr shall be the starting of my rotting days! time to slack n relax n recharge my energy before i start to work again.... at least hope that can really sort out my thoughts ba... but first thing is to really kick the habit of thinking about him.... almost 2 mths but i still can't help myself to think of him from time to time... i'm always curious how he is doing with he and his gf.... even when i msn him i always feel like asking abt how he and gf doing..... words are in my mouth or rather in my hand... but i just can't ask it out to him.... thoughts and questions abt him just keep on stacking up.... up till a height where i almost unable to reach for it....

i'm now left with 7 days plus to get rid of these thoughts and questions.... how am i gonna do it... i do not have an idea.... but i just hope that before i'm done with these.... another one please dun come first.... friends friends friends.... this is what i shld always remind myself before same mistake occurs again....

getting sleepy.... time for me to sign off here.... and shall resume my daily update on the blog....