at this moment i can alrdy see wat will my future be.... not my working life... but my family life instead.... black is all i can see... a separated one is all i can see... in fact now the family tat i have is alrdy starting to be separated... it is just a matter of time for it to happen. In fact i shld alrdy get used to this as this always happened... ever since last yr.... last yr i was really got scare of this... seeing them quarrelling it made my heart pains, seeing them shouting at each other i feel so hopeless and dunno wat to do... hearing them abt bearing with this kind of relationship becos of him, it hurted me more...

HIM is all they care and worry for... i'm just nth to them... they dun care abt me... i'm always an outcast... seeing them or even seeing my relatives, i feel more outcast and as if i dun belong here at all.... what is there left for me to the future... who will still be there for me... in fact when i was in hong kong back then i shld have ask for the future of my family... so i can have a mental preparation of wat to do if that really happen...

Two and a half mth to go... where is that person who will be there for me, care for me? maybe there was just no one there outside for me... i'm just all by myself... all i had was my studies... the stressful studies, my vitual world in game.... this is all i have for now...

wat i can do now... is just to stay numb... and just care for myself and act as if i know nth.... just be the 'nice' one which they always saw in the past... the current me.... is just a dark and evil one who would not care anything abt my family.... all i care is myself.... whether they still care for me or not.... is none of my business.....

i really feel like jumping down from some building or just disappear from this world.... i really feel like i dun really need to exist in this world, i'm an extra... ... wat's the point for me to continue stay here... where all i got was sadness.... i'll never get things right.... i'm always the one who get left out... all those bad things... i'm always the one to get it first....

it's so frustrating.... i try to think of the positive side... but it just that things always turns out to be at the negative side.... watever i do... they will never believe me.... they always think is my fault... i just dun get it... is this the kind of trust i will get from them? i really wonder wat am i to them? am i a trash, or i'm just some body tat doesn't link to them at all....

in front of me they can say how gd they treat me... but to speak the truth... i can't really feel that.... i just want to get out of there as soon as i can.... i just want to prove it to them i'm not tat kind of person tat they think! they never understand how i feel.... and will neer know wat i want and wat i was thinking.... no matter how well they say they know me ..... i just dun feel tat way....

maybe i dun really belong to there... cos to everyone... i'm not impt at all... i'm no related to them at all... in front of them... i'm invisible.... how i wish tat one day i can just stay in my dream... and i can sleep forever and no need to wake up at all.....